Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!
10:24 am
Sat October 27, 2012

Who's Carl (Dressing Up As) This Time?

Transcript

CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell, and here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, filling in for Peter Sagal, Drew Carey.

(APPLAUSE)

DREW CAREY, HOST:

Carl. Thanks everybody. Thank you. Thanks everybody and thanks for wearing your nametags.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: Great show for you today. U.S. soccer star Abby Wambach will be joining us later to play Not My Job, which will take about four minutes, yet will have more scoring than 90 minutes of soccer.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: I'm so excited to be hosting WAIT WAIT this week. Thank you for the opportunity to ruin yet another beloved American game show.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

CAREY: Alex Trebek, I know you're listening. I'm coming for you next.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: If you'd like to play our games, give us a call, the number is 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. Hi you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

HELEN MORAY: Hi, this is Helen Moray from Seattle, Washington.

CAREY: Hey Helen, how you doing?

MORAY: I'm doing very well, thanks.

CAREY: What do you do up in Seattle?

MORAY: I'm an attorney and a mom to two great teenage girls.

CAREY: Aww, that's nice. Do you work from home or do you go to work every day, what do you do?

MORAY: I do actually work out of an office in my house, which makes the commute really nice.

CAREY: Oh nice, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: Hey Helen, let's introduce you to our panel. First up, a comedian and host on vocalo.org, Brian Babylon, everybody, Brian Babylon.

BRIAN BABYLON: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

(APPLAUSE)

CAREY: Next, we have an editor and blogger at the Houston Chronicle, Kyrie O'Connor.

(APPLAUSE)

KYRIE O'CONNOR: Hello, Helen.

CAREY: And an author and humorist and blogger at cartalk.com, Tom Bodett.

TOM BODETT: Hello, Helen.

(APPLAUSE)

CAREY: Welcome to the show Helen. Now, with Halloween just around the corner, we're going to play Who's Carl Dressing up as this Time?

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: Now, he's going to tell you about three costumes based on this week's news. Guess the costume two times out of three, and you win our prize: Carl Kasell's spooooky voice on your voicemail. Carl, you want to give us a sample?

KASELL: Boo.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: I am shaking in my shoes right now. You ready to play?

MORAY: I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

CAREY: Good. Here's your first costume.

KASELL: We're going to be a horse and a bayonet. I'm the back half of the horse.

CAREY: That costume is a shout out to the most memorable line at a big event that was held on Monday. What was the event?

MORAY: It was the presidential debate.

CAREY: Yes, ding, ding, ding.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

CAREY: I can't believe you got it on the first guess.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: The last presidential debate was supposed to be a conversation about foreign policy, but President Obama and Mitt Romney kept turning it back to the economy, jobs, and education here in the United States. Thankfully, moderator Bob Schieffer did an excellent job, steering the debate back to issues Americans couldn't care less about like foreign policy.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: Seriously, when was the last time you heard someone say, "Can you turn off the game, I want to watch the foreign policy."

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: "Hold all my calls unless it's about foreign policy." The worst is when your wife comes home early and you're watching foreign policy.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

BABYLON: The one thing I did take away from that was when I heard that Romney's song Tagg had to go apologize to Obama because he said on some radio show that he wanted to take a swing at him.

CAREY: Yeah.

BABYLON: So we had, "go apologize to the President, Tagg." "Sorry, Mr. President."

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Obama's like, "now, let's be clear, I would have kicked your ass."

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: How many bayonet and horses costumes will you guys see this Halloween? That's what I really think.

BODETT: Halliburton is breeding warhorses now.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: Yeah, I like the horses and bayonets line wasn't the only zinger he got off. He also tried some of his open mike lines. Like, at one point he told Romney, the 80s are calling and they want their foreign policy back.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: Governor Romney is going to be a great president - not.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: It really got out of hand. When Romney talked about how the deficit is the biggest he's ever seen, Obama jumped in: Governor, that's what she said.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

CAREY: Let's see, they had a lot of references to Israel. They were really, like, trying to both pick up the same chick at the bar, you know.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Who, Fran Drescher?

CAREY: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: I don't know if you caught it, but Obama spent half the debate in a yamaka.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: There was a really awkward moment when Romney said, "Look, I'll circumcise myself right now. Is that what you want?"

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: I'll do it right now.

(APPLAUSE)

CAREY: All right, Carl, what's your next costume idea?

KASELL: I'm using last year's iPad costume but I'm having it taken in a few sizes.

CAREY: OK, Helen, what's Carl going as?

MORAY: Well it has to be the new iPad Mini.

CAREY: Wow, you're so good at this. I can't believe it. The iPad Mini.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

O'CONNOR: So, is the old iPad now called the Maxi Pad?

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: Yes.

BODETT: We've come back around to that joke, haven't we?

CAREY: Yeah.

BABYLON: It makes sense now.

CAREY: They always name their products after things that men are uncomfortable saying.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: On Tuesday, nerds from around the world emerged from their lockers to watch Apple CEO Tim Cook reveal the new, groundbreaking, iPad Mini. It's groundbreaking because it's bigger than an iPhone and slightly smaller than an iPad.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: It's the most exciting product launch since Fruit of the Loom invented Medium.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

BABYLON: Well you know who this is for, this is for the hobbits and you know...

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: Yeah.

BABYLON: The hobbits are going to eat this up, man.

CAREY: This is for people that go to a diner and order half a sandwich.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: I'm sorry, six-eighths of a sandwich or whatever. This week's event was the first time we got to watch a live stream of the announcement as it happened. It was a rare window into the secret nerd cabal we've only heard about, their odd rituals and customs. Turns out, it was a lot like other secret religious ceremonies except with way more virgins.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

CAREY: Way more virgins, like three times as many virgins.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: Yeah, it's not as small as the iPhone but it's still small enough that your dad will probably still try to wear it in a holster on his belt.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: The good thing about the Mini is that new apps program, or that map program of theirs...

CAREY: Yeah, yeah.

BABYLON: ...is only half as bad.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: All right, Carl, hey, what's your last costume?

KASELL: Blue tights, red cape, bulging muscles. But this time it's just a costume.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: All right, now, Carl is dressed up as a superhero who made some headlines this week. Who is it?

MORAY: I think it's Superman, who quit his job.

CAREY: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

CAREY: Wow, you're so good.

(APPLAUSE)

CAREY: We also would have accepted Clark Kent. We don't usually cover news from Metropolis on this show, but this is big. In the new issue, Clark Kent quits his job at the Daily Planet to start a blog.

(LAUGHTER)

O'CONNOR: See.

CAREY: Yeah.

BODETT: All the cool kids are doing it.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: He's just fed up with the state of journalism. That's right: in a parallel universe where superheroes can fly and turn back time, they still can't figure out how to save newspapers.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: You know, I don't understand why he worked in the first place.

CAREY: Yeah, me neither.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: I mean I think he deserves it. You know, head back now, he's got the Fortress of Solitude. He'll be there. He's got the leotard rolled down, you know.

BABYLON: No, man, this is...

BODETT: Sitting there just scratching and blogging about...

BABYLON: No way.

(LAUGHTER)

CAREY: Is that how it works, scratching and blogging?

BODETT: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: This is an indication that America is - and we're going down, man. When Superman tunes out of everything, he's going to start wearing Toms and he's going to get a gross, you know, dreadlock hairdo. He's going to be allergic to gluten instead of kryptonite.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: It's going to be horrible.

(APPLAUSE)

CAREY: Carl, how did Helen do?

KASELL: Helen, congratulations, you had three correct answers, so you win our prize.

MORAY: Oh, thank you so much.

CAREY: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

CAREY: Helen, that was great. Hey, thanks for being on the show, appreciate it.

MORAY: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.